I would have been 11 weeks Gestation Today. We would have already heard the heartbeat and started telling people I was pregnant. . .
Its been over a month since things went awry, and I'm okay with everything. However I think things will always cause me to think what if ... and wonder. I know when Sept. 13th (my would have been due date) Roles around that will be hard.
I'm excited to get out of town today. I'm heading down to Monroe for a dance clinic. Excited to have a chance to improve and rejuvenate my dancing skills, and of course to see family.
My uncle Matt has offered to help me fix our car and hopefully that means I can get it registered tomorrow its been a while since it's been legal.
Well that's all for now!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Family Home Evening
John and I are trying to get in better habits one of our focuses lately has been doing a Family Home Evening together. This is a challenge since neither of us grew up doing it religiously. We are ironing out the bumps.
Last night I prepared the Lesson and I went over points from Elder Shayne Bowen's talk - "Because I live, Ye shall live also. From the October 2012 LDS General Conference. Its about being able to cope with the loss of a child and understanding what happens after we die.
Here's a link if you'd like to read it. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/print/2012/10/because-i-live-ye-shall-live-also?lang=eng
Last night I prepared the Lesson and I went over points from Elder Shayne Bowen's talk - "Because I live, Ye shall live also. From the October 2012 LDS General Conference. Its about being able to cope with the loss of a child and understanding what happens after we die.
Here's a link if you'd like to read it. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/print/2012/10/because-i-live-ye-shall-live-also?lang=eng
Friday, February 1, 2013
Our Follow up with the Dr.
On Monday we went in and Saw Dr. Drew my OBGYN. I was kind of nervous because there was a chance they may have to do a procedure to remove any remaining tissue that hadn't come out naturally, and there was also a possibility that I was having an ectopic pregnancy not a miscarriage. (the development of a fertilized ovum outside the uterus, as in a Fallopian tube.) If Ectopic was the case that would mean surgery to remove the egg before it made my ovary explode.
Luckily I had an HCG level and it showed I no longer had any pregnancy hormones left, which ruled out both problems so I was very relieved.
The Dr. suggested that we wait 3-6 months before we try to conceive again. That was not happy news. We wanted to start trying as soon as I felt better since the first time it took us 10 months... Oh well Dr. knows best I suppose.
It was nice to have our questions answered and to be reassured that I am young and have many available conception years ahead of me and that there is no rush. To me it feels as though there is a rush however. I am ready to be a mother and I feel like I've already earned that title once and I'd like to hold onto it again.
Thanks for listening
Luckily I had an HCG level and it showed I no longer had any pregnancy hormones left, which ruled out both problems so I was very relieved.
The Dr. suggested that we wait 3-6 months before we try to conceive again. That was not happy news. We wanted to start trying as soon as I felt better since the first time it took us 10 months... Oh well Dr. knows best I suppose.
It was nice to have our questions answered and to be reassured that I am young and have many available conception years ahead of me and that there is no rush. To me it feels as though there is a rush however. I am ready to be a mother and I feel like I've already earned that title once and I'd like to hold onto it again.
Thanks for listening
Support is better than sympathy
I really appreciate the people that stepped up last week and helped out. My brother brought me my first cheeseburger, fries and soda that I had in months! (was eating healthy why we tried to conceive, and especially once we actually did) It was wonderful to give in.
My Dad came up to Provo for a few days just to keep me company which was nice since I wasn't ready to be at work physically or mentally yet and John was ultra busy with class and studying. Dad gave me a reason to go outside we went to Costco, little did I know I wasn't quite ready for that adventure.
He was attempting to return a camera, but due to miss communication ended up not ( they had told him he could get cash back, then looked at him like he was crazy when he tried ).
So we stood and looked at camera's for a while I started to feel a little off and kind of felt the color drain out of my face. That's when we ran into Grandma. She had no idea what I was going through and was the first person who didn't know that I had seen. She asked how things were going and I knew she genuinely cared but I said as little as possible, I think I told her I was doing "great" (in my mind it was heavily laced with sarcasm, I hoped it wasn't noticeable).
Once Grandma went on her way I told Dad I had to sit down, not feeling so well he confirmed my thought by saying "Oh ya sorry kiddo, just what you need a bunch of standing around, you don't look so good, kind of pale".
I sat down while dad got us some food to share. My apatite was for once the same size as my dad's (if you don't know my dad, he can live off just candy and maybe the occasional yogurt so not much food). So we split a hot turkey sandwich (the size of a regular sandwich) kind of weak sauce, but dad also got some ice cream.
Even with my dose of Oxycodone/Acetaminophen I wasn't doing awesome. I wanted to be better but I simply wasn't yet. Loosing lots of blood for what ended up being 9 days made me very light headed. I didn't have an appetite and I had very severe abdominal pain and dizziness. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking going through a miscarriage is the same as a heavy period, it's simply not.
The worst is when people hug me and say things along the lines of "Are you okay?, You'll be okay. If you need anything call me." I know they meant well but it just reminds me that no I'm not okay, I know I will be but wasn't there yet and I don't know what to call you for. I feel like a beggar if I ask you for meals and weird if I ask for your company and that's all I wanted.
My co worker and his wife (also used to be our home teacher in our last ward) brought us over some dinner one night that was really nice. I know everyone means well and I appreciate the meals just as much as people giving me space or talking about anything else.
Today I saw my best friend's little girl she is still brand new just about 3 weeks old and it was hard for me to think that I won't be holding a baby in September that's mine.
Everything chokes me up. I cried at work today. Luckily no one noticed. I think I've cried everyday since I've been back actually... something always gets me.
But today I read my cousin Meredith's blog. (I've read it before) the story of Lily, and couldn't help but cry. They had a completly different situation. She carried to full term and they knew things weren't perfect while she was pregnant and they got to have Lily for 6 weeks. But I still related. I'm glad that I know we will get to see our beautiful spirits again or meet them in our case when we return to our heavenly father. This has been a hard Journey but I'm grateful for all the blessings. I'm grateful to know that John and I are physically capable of having children, hopefully healthy ones. I'm grateful that we both have loveing and supportive families and friends. I'll miss my little bug in my belly and I won't ever forget, but I am glad that I can move on knowing they were too pure of a spirit to be on this earth. Here is a quote that says it more eliquently
"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy...they were too pure,too lovely, to live on earth: therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again"
- Joseph Smith
Thanks to everyone for all of your prayers and kind words we love and appreciate you all!
My Dad came up to Provo for a few days just to keep me company which was nice since I wasn't ready to be at work physically or mentally yet and John was ultra busy with class and studying. Dad gave me a reason to go outside we went to Costco, little did I know I wasn't quite ready for that adventure.
He was attempting to return a camera, but due to miss communication ended up not ( they had told him he could get cash back, then looked at him like he was crazy when he tried ).
So we stood and looked at camera's for a while I started to feel a little off and kind of felt the color drain out of my face. That's when we ran into Grandma. She had no idea what I was going through and was the first person who didn't know that I had seen. She asked how things were going and I knew she genuinely cared but I said as little as possible, I think I told her I was doing "great" (in my mind it was heavily laced with sarcasm, I hoped it wasn't noticeable).
Once Grandma went on her way I told Dad I had to sit down, not feeling so well he confirmed my thought by saying "Oh ya sorry kiddo, just what you need a bunch of standing around, you don't look so good, kind of pale".
I sat down while dad got us some food to share. My apatite was for once the same size as my dad's (if you don't know my dad, he can live off just candy and maybe the occasional yogurt so not much food). So we split a hot turkey sandwich (the size of a regular sandwich) kind of weak sauce, but dad also got some ice cream.
Even with my dose of Oxycodone/Acetaminophen I wasn't doing awesome. I wanted to be better but I simply wasn't yet. Loosing lots of blood for what ended up being 9 days made me very light headed. I didn't have an appetite and I had very severe abdominal pain and dizziness. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking going through a miscarriage is the same as a heavy period, it's simply not.
The worst is when people hug me and say things along the lines of "Are you okay?, You'll be okay. If you need anything call me." I know they meant well but it just reminds me that no I'm not okay, I know I will be but wasn't there yet and I don't know what to call you for. I feel like a beggar if I ask you for meals and weird if I ask for your company and that's all I wanted.
My co worker and his wife (also used to be our home teacher in our last ward) brought us over some dinner one night that was really nice. I know everyone means well and I appreciate the meals just as much as people giving me space or talking about anything else.
Today I saw my best friend's little girl she is still brand new just about 3 weeks old and it was hard for me to think that I won't be holding a baby in September that's mine.
Everything chokes me up. I cried at work today. Luckily no one noticed. I think I've cried everyday since I've been back actually... something always gets me.
But today I read my cousin Meredith's blog. (I've read it before) the story of Lily, and couldn't help but cry. They had a completly different situation. She carried to full term and they knew things weren't perfect while she was pregnant and they got to have Lily for 6 weeks. But I still related. I'm glad that I know we will get to see our beautiful spirits again or meet them in our case when we return to our heavenly father. This has been a hard Journey but I'm grateful for all the blessings. I'm grateful to know that John and I are physically capable of having children, hopefully healthy ones. I'm grateful that we both have loveing and supportive families and friends. I'll miss my little bug in my belly and I won't ever forget, but I am glad that I can move on knowing they were too pure of a spirit to be on this earth. Here is a quote that says it more eliquently
"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy...they were too pure,too lovely, to live on earth: therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again"
- Joseph Smith
Thanks to everyone for all of your prayers and kind words we love and appreciate you all!
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