I would have been 11 weeks Gestation Today. We would have already heard the heartbeat and started telling people I was pregnant. . .

Its been over a month since things went awry, and I'm okay with everything. However I think things will always cause me to think what if ... and wonder. I know when Sept. 13th (my would have been due date) Roles around that will be hard.

I'm excited to get out of town today. I'm heading down to Monroe for a dance clinic. Excited to have a chance to improve and rejuvenate my dancing skills, and of course to see family.

My uncle Matt has offered to help me fix our car and hopefully that means I can get it registered tomorrow its been a while since it's been legal.

Well that's all for now!

Family Home Evening

John and I are trying to get in better habits one of our focuses lately has been doing a Family Home Evening together. This is a challenge since neither of us grew up doing it religiously. We are ironing out the bumps.

Last night I prepared the Lesson and I went over points from Elder Shayne Bowen's talk - "Because I live, Ye shall live also. From the October 2012 LDS General Conference. Its about being able to cope with the loss of a child and understanding what happens after we die.

Here's a link if you'd like to read it. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/print/2012/10/because-i-live-ye-shall-live-also?lang=eng

Our Follow up with the Dr.

On Monday we went in and Saw Dr. Drew my OBGYN. I was kind of nervous because there was a chance they may have to do a procedure to remove any remaining tissue that hadn't come out naturally, and there was also a possibility that I was having an ectopic pregnancy not a miscarriage. (the development of a fertilized ovum outside the uterus, as in a Fallopian tube.) If Ectopic was the case that would mean surgery to remove the egg before it made my ovary explode.
Luckily I had an HCG level and it showed I no longer had any pregnancy hormones left, which ruled out both problems so I was very relieved.
The Dr. suggested that we wait 3-6 months before we try to conceive again. That was not happy news. We wanted to start trying as soon as I felt better since the first time it took us 10 months... Oh well Dr. knows best I suppose.
It was nice to have our questions answered and to be reassured that I am young and have many available conception years ahead of me and that there is no rush. To me it feels as though there is a rush however. I am ready to be a mother and I feel like I've already earned that title once and I'd like to hold onto it again.
Thanks for listening

Support is better than sympathy

I really appreciate the people that stepped up last week and helped out. My brother brought me my first cheeseburger, fries and soda that I had in months! (was eating healthy why we tried to conceive, and especially once we actually did) It was wonderful to give in.
My Dad came up to Provo for a few days just to keep me company which was nice since I wasn't ready to be at work physically or mentally yet and John was ultra busy with class and studying. Dad gave me a reason to go outside we went to Costco, little did I know I wasn't quite ready for that adventure.
He was attempting to return a camera, but due to miss communication ended up not ( they had told him he could get cash back, then looked at him like he was crazy when he tried ).
So we stood and looked at camera's for a while I started to feel a little off and kind of felt the color drain out of my face. That's when we ran into Grandma. She had no idea what I was going through and was the first person who didn't know that I had seen. She asked how things were going and I knew she genuinely cared but I said as little as possible, I think I told her I was doing "great" (in my mind it was heavily laced with sarcasm, I hoped it wasn't noticeable).
Once Grandma went on her way I told Dad I had to sit down, not feeling so well he confirmed my thought by saying "Oh ya sorry kiddo, just what you need a bunch of standing around, you don't look so good, kind of pale".
I sat down while dad got us some food to share. My apatite was for once the same size as my dad's (if you don't know my dad, he can live off just candy and maybe the occasional yogurt so not much food). So we split a hot turkey sandwich (the size of a regular sandwich) kind of weak sauce, but dad also got some ice cream.
Even with my dose of Oxycodone/Acetaminophen I wasn't doing awesome. I wanted to be better but I simply wasn't yet. Loosing lots of blood for what ended up being 9 days made me very light headed. I didn't have an appetite and I had very severe abdominal pain and dizziness. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking going through a miscarriage is the same as a heavy period, it's simply not.
The worst is when people hug me and say things along the lines of "Are you okay?, You'll be okay. If you need anything call me." I know they meant well but it just reminds me that no I'm not okay, I know I will be but wasn't there yet and I don't know what to call you for. I feel like a beggar if I ask you for meals and weird if I ask for your company and that's all I wanted.
My co worker and his wife (also used to be our home teacher in our last ward) brought us over some dinner one night that was really nice. I know everyone means well and I appreciate the meals just as much as people giving me space or talking about anything else.
Today I saw my best friend's little girl she is still brand new just about 3 weeks old and it was hard for me to think that I won't be holding a baby in September that's mine.
Everything chokes me up. I cried at work today. Luckily no one noticed. I think I've cried everyday since I've been back actually... something always gets me.
But today I read my cousin Meredith's blog. (I've read it before) the story of Lily, and couldn't help but cry. They had a completly different situation. She carried to full term and they knew things weren't perfect while she was pregnant and they got to have Lily for 6 weeks. But I still related. I'm glad that I know we will get to see our beautiful spirits again or meet them in our case when we return to our heavenly father. This has been a hard Journey but I'm grateful for all the blessings. I'm grateful to know that John and I are physically capable of having children, hopefully healthy ones. I'm grateful that we both have loveing and supportive families and friends. I'll miss my little bug in my belly and I won't ever forget, but I am glad that I can move on knowing they were too pure of a spirit to be on this earth. Here is a quote that says it more eliquently

"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy...they were too pure,too lovely, to live on earth: therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again"
- Joseph Smith

Thanks to everyone for all of your prayers and kind words we love and appreciate you all!

If you're in need of a Pep talk

This is awesome. Everybody can benefit by watching this.

Ed Sheeran - Small Bump Official Video

Small bump - Ed Sheeran............ This tells how we are feeling, sad but beautiful song

Sometimes our journey is uphill

(1/21) Yesterday we had a scare. I started bleeding that evening, which in pregnancy isn't usually a good sign. We called the Dr. and they told us to go get some blood taken at the clinic and that I would probably need a Rhogam shot because of my blood being O - . When you have O - Blood and your body is caring a baby with a father who isn't O - (a very rare and receive blood type) and likely the baby has + blood, if any of that blood gets into the mothers bloodstream her body thinks it’s an infection and begins to attack and if not found early enough this will kill you baby. Although that’s only if blood mixes and if everything is going well in the first place blood shouldn't mix until you are giving birth.

They say that if you get the shot within 72 hours of the bleeding that everything should be fine. You won’t develop Antibodies that would be then forever in your body and would fight against any + baby in the future.

Well we arrive at the lab and get all the paper work done. They hand us a paper that says the 4 tests they will be running on me.

- RH level (to confirm my blood type)

-HCG quantitative (to find out if my hormones are where they should be at 6 weeks, if too low, it’s likely I miscarried)

- Antibody Screening (to see if my body has already made antibodies and is trying to "fight the infection")

the heading on my paper said "Suspected Abortion" (aka miscarriage)

We only found out that yes I am O- and yes I need to get the Rhogam shot because there was bleeding and also apparently my body has started making antibodies. We weren't told the results on the HCG test. We had to wait for them to make me a custom shot to tell my antibodies to stop working this isn't an infection. John had to miss his first MCAT prep class and since we had to pay an extra 2k for it I really didn't want him missing any classes, I told him Taylor could wait with me and even texted Taylor but he told me he was staying this was important. I'm glad he stayed (bad decision as a student great decision as a husband and father)

We had to walk over to the hospital to get the shot because the lab was closing so the sent us to the Labor and Delivery Unit.... talk about Irony....They gave me the shot with about a 2'' long needle in my bum ... it wasn't so bad. My butt went numb. We still didn't know the results on the HCG Test and the lab was closed and the nurse couldn’t access my chart since I wasn’t admitted to her service or the hospital.

So I had to wait until the next morning to call My OBGYN and get the results from her.

Next Morning 8 Am Call Dr's office opens at 9. Killed an hour then called back. Talked to the nurse, she said "Oh let me call the lab real quick I'll call you back". Calls me back and says "so with this miscarriage....” I say “wait, so it was a miscarriage?” The nurse "Oh umm I just assumed looking at these HCG quantitative levels (tests the amount of pregnancy hormones in your body it should be at a certain number depending how far along you are) well how far along are you?" asked the nurse. I replied "I think about 6 weeks". The nurse with slight shock said "Well in that case I'll have you take another test tomorrow and if your levels have increased (doubled from 600 to 1200) you are still pregnant if not it was in fact a miscarriage. Obviously we are praying for the first. I will go in for another HCG test tomorrow same time same place and then on Thursday we will discuss the results. The nurse also told me apparently the antibodies i developed weren't from my blood type vs. baby’s blood type it was from just being sick recently, so they aren't harmful.

At this point I told John what the nurse said and then we cried for a while. We've accepted that it wasn't time for our little miracle to join our family. If by some miracle our little bug is still holding on strong in my belly it'll be an extra huge bonus.

I'm truly thankful for the atonement and knowledge that we will be able to meet this beautiful spirit in heaven one day. We won't be ok for a little while, but we will be ok.

We discussed all the "fun" details because there is a good chance John won't be able to be there with me when we get the results. Tomorrow night, because john signed up for this very expensive tutoring/prep class for the MCAT and he's already missed the first session. Of course has another one tomorrow and he can't miss it. So we kind of just decided to take a few hours and deal with it as if the worst has happened. We cried and laid in bed for a few hours discussing everything and if we are wrong, which of course is our hope. It'll keep me from having to send that message to my whole family saying that no you won’t be an: aunt, uncle , grandma or grandpa. I would keep me from taking down the crib and packing it away. I know things will work out.

I started bleeding again and was passing blood clots which didn't seem like a good sign so i decided to take down the crib. I knew if I waited it would only be worse later. I was in a numb daze the whole time. None of this seems real, being pregnant still feels like a dream and the thought that it’s over doesn’t seem real either and not knowing for certain just makes everything feel fuzzy.

I continued bleeding but it just mostly felt like a period until 5:30. I started to have really bad cramps, worse than I've ever experienced in my life. After some research I believe I was having contractions (very common in a miscarriage it opens the cervix to allow tissue room to pass) I was in such severe pain I thought I was going to pass out.

I decided to lay down John was still at school but should be home any second now it’s about 6:00 now and I've been in bed for about 5 minutes. The pain is continuing to get worse. I am hyperventilating and squeezing john’s pillow so hard in my hands I felt as if I were leaving permanent dents in his memory foam head rest.

I had my phone in my hand to call John when he walked in. It felt like such a long time until he came back to the bedroom (in reality probably only about 30 seconds) I was making terrible noises and on the verge of tears the pain was horrible. I choked out ER and somehow managed to get dressed.

We arrived at the ER and he drops me off tears streaming down my face. No one seems to notice me walk in and a lady is sitting at the front desk checking in so all I can think is “find somewhere to sit”. I find a bench around the corner and lose it. I'm sobbing so hard that I'm shaking. I can feel everyone staring at me. Words deny me at this point and I hope someone will notice me sitting here.

John and the nurse approach me at the same time. Then put me in a wheel chair. The pain kept coming and going from a 10 to a 4 it was terrible. They have a pain scale at the hospital 10 being the worst you've ever experienced in your lifetime 0 being no pain. They took my vitals then we had to wait for a bed to open up. I have no idea how long or short we were in the waiting room.

We were finally admitted. The Med Tech came in and drew my blood and knowing that she probably didn't have much more medical experience than me didn't help... Very nice but not so good with a needle ... she took my blood and inserted an IV in my elbow pit. Up until then i never realized that it really sucks because then you can't bend your elbow or you get poked with a needle.

Then we had to wait for Labs to come back on my blood work. From our experience yesterday we knew it would take at least an hour. They were running the HCG again, if it was lower than 600 or the same that would confirm a miscarriage.

It was hours that we waited ... The tech came in to set up for a pelvic exam setting out all the scary looking tools. The intern for the DR. came in and asked me all the questions everyone else had already asked she was really nice and compassionate.

Then Jeff the Radiology Tech came and got me and they took me down to get an ultra sound. We went down to the basement passed through a freezing hallway even passed some motion sensor doors that opened to the cold winter outside. Luckily i was wearing a thin hospital gown and a lame excuse for a sheet.... cold.

They were going to do two different ultra sounds the normal kind on your belly and a something called a transvaginal ultra sound using an endocavitary probe.... (a radiology wand that is inserted to get as close to my uterus as possible). They wheel me in and lay me down on the stiff as a board exam table and squirt what feels like warm hair gel on my belly. I didn't get to see the screen and according to all the signs we wouldn't get to know the results of the ultrasound until we got to see the physician. John could see the screen and he still had no idea what he was looking at. When i did finally get a glance it looked like a picture of an empty balloon....

They had me go into the bathroom next door to get cleaned up while they called up to the lab to see if my HCG levels had come back yet. Its never a good sign when the man with a front row seat to your uterus is checking to see if you are pregnant... John overheard them saying that my levels were at 420, if he heard right that means we've lost our baby. We got back to the room and continued to wait they still hadn't done the final exam. i think it was around ten by this time. we waited for the physician.

He came and told me that it was most likely miscarriage but that it could also be an ectopic pregnancy as well (when the embryo implants in the fallopian tube and runs out of room to grow, so it would need to be surgically removed. if this was the case and it would need to be taken care of ASAP to avoid my tube for exploding) Either way there wasn't a healthy baby that I would be delivering in 7.5 months... We had lost our baby and I just felt numb... He still had to do the last exam to see if my cervix was dilated it would confirm that it was miscarriage and not an ectopic. My cervix was closed but it could have been open and already contracted back since I wasn't past my first trimester it wouldn’t have had to dilate much to let the tissue pass. We also found out its recommended we wait 3-6 months for my body to recover to try to conceive again. I didn’t expect that.

It was finally over they ripped out the IV tube in my arm (man did that hurt! I sweat she twisted it sideways while she did it) I got to put clothes back on. Sign a paper that said even though we aren't insured we will pay for our visit and go back out into the cold. I didn't even cry at the hospital that would have made it real. My heart did break a little when the female Intern apologized and gave me a lovely squeeze on the leg, reality hit. This really did happen. You aren't pregnant anymore. Your little bug is gone.